OK, pay attention. This is Tim. He used to work here with him.
Then he quit. But there was a mix-up. Now he works for MI5 with me.
He's got a son called Marcus.
Horrible.
He's fighting for custody against his ex-wife and her boyfriend.
He fell in love with another agent and she fell for him.
But then he turned up again.
And they were like...
And Tim was like...
And we were like... oh that shouldn't be in there.
OK. Carry on.
Good to be back, eh, Tim?
Yes, sir. How was your holiday? Not bad.
I had an amazing time. I know. You got the postcards? Yes.
And the letters?
Uh-huh. You were missed. So you said.
Sometimes in rhyming couplets.
That made you feel uncomfortable, didn't it? Little bit.
I'm not going to apologise, Tim.
No? No, because only weak men apologise. Whereas powerful men...
Send photos of themselves at the Bangkok Banana Poon and Grill.
Exactly. I think I can make it up to you. Come on.
I've brought you back a little pressie. Really?
Ta-da!
Your first interrogation.
What do you say? You really shouldn't have. You're welcome...
Buddy.
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And then we drove from Southampton to Bournemouth.
Then we were supposed to go back to Basingstoke,
but my dad thought it was too far to drive...
I look different, don't I? It's the hair.
Oh, right. What a terrific story. Give Arthur a round of applause.
May I have your attention, please?
I now have the evidence that proves this school's administration
is rotten to its core.
Marcus, could we talk about this in private?
The greatest sin in these times of austerity is waste,
and month after month, this headmaster fritters away the money
of hard-working taxpayers.
Not entirely fair.
Do you want a school that is run
by the same old progressive liberal insiders?
No! Do you want a school that shackles itself in Big Government
- bureaucracy while standards plummet? - No!
Do you want a school that teaches Geography?
No! I do. No.
Which is why I am officially declaring my candidacy
for President of the School Council.
Thank you. Thank you. I won't let you down.
Excuse me? Excuse me?
Who are you?
Oh, sorry, yes I should have said. Everyone, this is Nicholas Chin.
He's new to the school, and I want you to make him feel welcome.
Thank you, headmaster.
I just wanted to say I really enjoyed your speech.
Thank you. It was very inspiring.
And together... Which is why I, too,
want to stand for President of the School Council.
He can't do that. Oh, and you can call me Nick.
So you want to play hard ball, huh? No. Then look at the map.
I can't. Can't or won't? Can't.
How very convenient.
Argh - that stings. Yeah.
Sir, the Ambassador is on the phone.
Alright. You two watch over him.
Hello. Hello.
Listen, I'm glad you're here, actually.
We didn't really get a chance to talk before.
Talk about what? Tim?
Oh, sorry, do you mean about us going out with each other
and then me finding you kissing your ex-CIA boyfriend.
Ouch. Yeah. Exactly. That's not fair and you know it.
I told you, he had been declared dead over a year before.
Well, if he was declared dead...
No - we already hooked up three hours before.
Ah, but if you were already going out... We weren't going out.
Totally were. We hadn't kissed.
Well, you don't need to kiss someone to be going out with them.
Of course you do. I kissed Paula. Was I dating her? Who's Paula?
She's a psychopathic obsessive nymphomaniac. It's not important.
What is important is that a kiss is not relevant.
What do you think?
I think I want to hear more about Paula.
Answer the question.
It's tricky, but I don't think a kiss is essential. Thank you!
Argh!
You are talking like this was just some random guy.
Portis used to be my fiance.
You didn't tell me they were engaged.
They're not anymore. That's not the point.
Thank you! Argh.
Look, if you aren't living in the moment, you are either
looking forward to uncertainty, or looking back to pain and regret.
Is that Confucius?
No, it's Jim Carrey. He's a funny guy, isn't he?
Argh!
OK, go, go, go. Let's go.
So what do we know about this Nick?
Good at sports, excellent academic record...
And of course terrific hair. Basically your triple threat.
He's new and that can always be compelling
to the weak-minded electorate.
What are we polling at the moment?
63% agree or strongly agree that you are a decisive leader.
And that rises to 81% among white males under four foot eight.
What about girls?
54% say they trust you to make a sensible policy
about wearing sparkly eye-liner at school.
That could be higher.
I'll get Justine to bolster the vote among female ABC1's.
About that... What is it?
There's no easy way to say this... Justine's campaigning for Nick.
Gentlemen...
We have a broken arrow.
Tim, can I talk to you for a second? I have a meeting now so...
It's about Caitlin. Yeah, email me.
We're not sleeping together!
Grab a seat.
I'm sorry, it's just that I don't have anyone else I can talk to.
Shhh! I'm here for you.
Well, since I've been back, Caitlin and I haven't...
You know...
been intimate.
At all? Not even once.
That is unbelievably awful news. Thanks.
And is that because you're a homosexual? I am not gay!
Hey, how you doing?
No, it's just that since I got back from Tibet,
we don't seem to be clicking. That is a tragedy.
OK.
Bye-bye. No, wait! You're a good friend of hers, right?
I suppose.
Well, we haven't talked about it but I was thinking maybe
if she and I moved in together... No!
No? No. Absolutely not.
Wow. Why not?
Why not? Why not? Very good question.
And the answer to that question is...
Space. Space? Space.
You know what they say, "Space is a great healer."
I thought that was time.
Time and space. It's the whole continuum. Listen...
The more you resist her, the more she is going to desire you.
You think? I guarantee it.
But you've got to be really firm, you know? Really detached.
But not rude? Quite rude. Yes. Really quite rude.
I see. And how long do I have to push her away?
A long time. A really long, long, time.
Are you ready? Er...
No.
But we'll be late for the cinema.
I've seen the movies. You've seen all the movies? Yep.
OK. Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then? Mm-hmm.
Goodnight.
Goodnight!
Are you sure about this? I really am.
Sorry I'm late. Come on in.
I was just showing the guys this app on my phone.
Look, I've given them all beards! Isn't that hilarious?
Not particularly.
What's different about you?
It's the hair.
Oh, OK.
Aren't you a bit young to be a Professor of Family Therapy?
Oh, that. No, I got that on eBay.
No, I am in fact dangerously under-qualified. Oh good.
Aren't you just a slice of lovely?
Judith and I are going out together.
Really? I thought you were her father.
I'm 41! 28.
Just saying... Can we get on with this, please?
What was that!
He's like a... ugh, I don't even know what.
I don't want to look at it, but I can't stop!
Don't worry, Uncle Owen will drop kick this thing into foster care
by the weekend and then we can all get on with the rest of our lives.
What? Do you like fajitas?
He is not going into care. We are both fighting for custody.
You have a wonderful sense of humour.
I'm being serious.
That's not what it says here. Are you sure? Yes.
Divesh and Shahida Patel?
No.
So you both want custody of the child? Yes.
Weird. Are you just saying that because it's sitting right there?
I can hear you.
Let me tell you a bit about how I work...
Hiroki Nakamura? No?
I am not your conventional social worker.
I like to observe my subjects in their own environment.
I might watch you at home or at school.
Sometimes you won't even know that I'm there, I'll just appear.
Like a serial killer.
I'm sorry, that was incredibly inappropriate.
How long do you think it will take for you to decide which of us
gets custody?
The fostering route is much quicker. Got the form right here.
Yeah? No.
He is thinking about it. Player! I'm not.
Look, all we want is for you to carry out
a balanced and professional assessment of our family situation,
so that you can decide the best place for Marcus to live.
Made you all look ginger!
You're very quiet.
Do you want to watch a film tonight?
It can be something too long and subtitled?
I have to prepare for next week's debate.
Oh, is Justine coming over? No.
Do you want to talk about it? No.
I just wish I knew what Nick's strategy was.
Who's Nick?
Nick is every man who ever stole away the woman you loved.
I hate that guy.
I've instructed my lawyer to see if we can get him disqualified.
You have a lawyer?
My card. I've done a general background check. The kid's clean.
There's something not right about him.
I have to win that election.
Is this about politics or Justine?
I really don't know anymore.
Maybe I can help.
Now, we can win this election but we have to stay on policy.
If this thing becomes about character, well,
let's just say I've got a few skeletons. Like what?
Alright. But this doesn't leave the room.
What are you wearing?
You said wear black. Seriously?
What? It's all I had.
Do you want some? Yeah, go on then.
What are they doing now? Shhh!
It was around that time that I became seriously addicted to
Billy Ray Cyrus...
And you're not worried that it might not be entirely appropriate
to carry out surveillance on a ten-year-old girl's bedroom?
I think we've got what we need. Yeah.
Not that one.
I told you. You just have to gently...
How's it going?
Fine.
I was just wondering if you wanted to come round to mine this evening.
Perhaps we could have some dinner?
Tonight's not good for me.
Oh. OK.
Maybe another night then?
Yeah, Portis.
I'm available this evening in case... Go away.
Rain check. No problem.
You're looking guilty. I'm not.
It's OK, Tim, I know what you're up to. You do?
Yeah. Fantasising about them together. No!
It's perfectly natural. That is not what I'm doing.
Of course not! No.
If anything, I'm trying to split them up, OK? So there.
Why would you try and do a thing like that?
She's a friend isn't she?
Yeah. And you want her to be happy?
Yeah, obviously...
I mean, I couldn't tolerate that kind of disloyalty from one of my agents.
OK. You got me!
You had me going there for a moment, Tim! God...
You are fabulous.
Hmm.
Are you picturing them in the shower?
I am now.
Yeah.
Is this a bad time?
Ah, Nick.
So how are you settling in?
Fine, thank you. You're running a very well-organised school, sir.
Really? Come on, don't be modest.
There can't be many headmasters more loved and respected than you.
I don't know about that, but I do my best.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you a little present for making me
feel so welcome.
For me? You probably won't like it...
What's he doing now? Shh.
Oh my god! "Greatest Salsa Hits of the Fifties".
I love salsa! No. Yes I do!
Isn't that a stroke of luck? Thank you!
And listen, you let me know
if there's anything I can do to help out.
Well, actually, I wouldn't mind having a quick chat
about how you are planning on voting in these elections?
Damn it!
I don't like this. Where's Marcus?
Hello?
Is anyone there?
Nick's running rings around you. I know.
His campaign's too strong. You're looking in the wrong places.
What do you mean? Follow the money.
What money? The pocket money.
Who's involved? It goes all the way to the top.
Who are you?
A friend.
Awkward.
Argh!
Oh good, you're awake. We were talking about Portis?
Oh right. The American. Exactly.
Since he's been back, we haven't really connected like we used to,
and that includes, you know, physically.
Oh, god, too much information. And recently it's got worse.
Every time I try to snap us out of it, he just blanks me.
And you're worried that's because you're aging badly?
You are wired to the mains. Point taken.
Look, you have to let go of your old relationship and see
if you can build a new one.
But how? I say you don't give him the option.
You force him to see what he's giving up.
Force him?
Interesting.
Thank you.
Now will you let me go?
No.
Stop sniffing my hair.
Understood.
This is unbelievable!
You realise we could crush Nick with this?
Billy Ray, kickbacks, bribery... It's electoral gold.
I just wanted to say good luck. Scab!
It's OK, Paul.
Thanks.
Come on, Marcus. We can win this and humiliate them both.
Were you listening?
No. Do you mind if I...? No you can't!
Why? It's complicated...
Tim! Sir.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
I should...
I don't know how to thank you, man. It totally worked!
Yay. We just... Yeah, I know. I get the picture.
I mean we were like... I really do understand.
Yeah, right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll shut up.
We had sex! Yeah!
How I can ever thank you? Suicide I think is traditional.
Isn't this guy the best? He certainly is.
Catch you later, bro!
You did a good thing there. I didn't mean to.
Tell you what, why don't we go back to my office and watch the video?
You recorded them? Why do you think there are cameras in the toilets?
There are cameras in the toilets?
No?
I have to go.
You mentioned a video?
Go away. Yep.
Which is why I say to you today that we can do better.
That we can free ourselves from the same old politics as usual
and forge a new future for all of us.
Thank you.
You must be very proud.
He's not my son.
Are you sure? Yes.
I should make a note.
I agree with Nick.
What are you doing? I don't want to win like this.
That kid made a right arse of himself!
That is my son. That's Marvin? Marcus.
Marvin Babatunde? No?
Come on, Justine.
I'm having a victory pool party at my dad's house.
Really unlucky, Marcus. I was rooting for you.
Is that right?
Wait! I can explain. Marcus!
If you want to find me, you just look over your shoulder,
because from now on, I'm going to be right behind you.
Oh, and I think your hair looks stupid.
Didn't go so well then?
No.
Thanks for your help. You're welcome. Not you. No worries, buddy.
What about me?
Did you spy on Nick and steal confidential information?
No.
Is that it then?
A man is not finished when he is defeated.
A man is finished when he quits.
Oh good, because I quit. What?
I don't want to be a lawyer anymore. It's really boring.
Invoice for my fees.
Can we get out of here while my dignity is still vaguely intact?
You got it.
Sorry.
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